There's some similar questions on Reddit and Quora: "why genuine people/loving people/compassionate people end up with bad partners?" "why we good people can't find each other and end up with bad ones?" They say that we choose partners as a reflection of ourselves. #healing #selflove You may not know that I started this blog just because I was in the same position. An empath, overly sensitive individual who got caught up in bad relationships. I kept thinking to myself why I always ended up with wrong people? So I stopped trying. It didn't occur to me that I have an inner problem to resolve than looking outside to fill the gaps. I described myself as a tank that has holes in the bottom, no matter how many times it gets fill up, it's never be going to be full as long as there's holes in it.
Exactly how codependents function in the society. We crave for love because our caregivers - parents, family that we grew up with can't give it to us. We seek for external validation. It's so hard to process at first but looking at the history and what happened to me, there's two in the relationship. It's not just the other person's fault. Each of us contributes to the relationship whether it's a success or fail. The users on Reddit and Quora shared their story on how much they sacrifice in the relationship, how they made efforts, only to get cheated on, treated unfairly or betrayed, left by their partners. The dynamics is one sided on these stories. I'm not saying it's their fault. I saw myself few years ago as I read their comments. It's like the old version of me who only longs for someone to understand me and hoping they will give something in return out of numerous efforts I did but instead I have been a doormat. I asked myself "why have I done to deserve it?". Looking within, I was still walking with wounds, attachments from my past habits - people pleasing in order to be like, giving it all and not taking care of my own needs - are you these types? I was the one who neglected and abandoned myself. Not other half of that relationship. Because we allow them to! So this is the answer. Why good natured loving people end up with the wrong one? Because we allowed them to! - we allow them to abuse us, treat us unfairly, we don't set boundaries, we don't respect ourselves so they are also get comfortable not to respect us in return. Wait - boundaries? Do you ever need boundaries when you are in relationship? Mine is yours and yours is mine right? But we are family?? People who truly loves you and care for you knows how to put boundaries on daily situations. A friend of mine moved in with her boyfriend, she's knows that her boyfriend can't sleep with noises, even though she likes to watch tv before bedtime and she has been doing it since she has been living alone, she turns it off so her boyfriend can sleep. She told me she has to get used to it. That's a true example of boundaries and respect. A older couple have lived their lives for 18 years not going to each other's in laws for any gift giving - birthdays of cousins, great great aunt, etc. They both agreed that they don't want to be put in an awkward position where they have to know each other's distant relatives and pretend to know them or put extra effort to relatives they haven't met. There are also simpler examples such as if you tell your partner that you don't like certain things, they should respect that or compromise on what truly matters to your relationship. It's hard to be one sided in the relationship. Are you the one carrying the heartbreak and misery? Why do you want to suffer alone? I learn that healing is constant.. taking care of our needs first before others. "I feel all alone in the relationship" When we seek validation with our partners and ask them to fill our emotional needs, we are already set up for failure and heartbreak. I can't accept it too when the therapist told me that they, our partners can't make us feel better. We have to do it ourselves. We have to learn what our inner child needs. We have to spend more time to ourselves, sit with our feelings, we have to choose feeling our feelings and know what is it about. As having abandonment issues, if my partner said no for example on my requests, I feel hurt and neglected. While the other person, saying no doesn't mean they don't want to help or give you what you want... it's just they can't at that moment. (Please don't be confuse with dating unreliable people, once they already proved that you can't count on them in times of troubles.. run far far away from them!) Invest time to learn more about ourselves. Writing diaries, journaling, through drawings and other activities that can help you get to know yourself. I learned that I can't date someone without dating myself first. I set time with my worries, my anxieties, my insecurities, my joys and my compassion. I have to get to know them all one by one. So.. you are good natured, loving soul. You definitely deserve someone who is genuine like you. **inspired by the original blog "Why Some Good People End Up In Bad Relationships" You want to start getting to know yourself activities but you don't know where to start? Here are some resources from psychotherapists and healers - Alan Robarge, 6 Frameworks of Healing Michelle Chelfant, A Deeper Understanding Of The Adult Chair
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AuthorAdvocate of authentic self. Lover of life. Passionate on understanding humans. Serving with a purpose, one day at a time. Archives
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Photos used under Creative Commons from mikecohen1872, tomaszbaranowski007, wuestenigel, Terry Goodyer, dan.terrett